Tidying my studio isn’t just BORING…it triggers an existential crisis every time

TW lovelies - this post deals with themes of loss and fear of mortality 💙

So I’m trying to tidy my studio again, and of course it’s taken less then 15 minutes for the wave of guilt, shame, terror and fear to overcome me.

I’m only sort of joking.

Why do I find this so hard though!?

Well as I discussed in this video, I have a lifetime of accumulated shame about how messy I am. I feel guilty I am the custodian of such a blooming beautiful studio these days, yet I keep it an utter crap hole most of the time.

I’m learning to be gentle with myself and how to get in touch with my adult, wiser self to guide me through all the difficult feelings it brings up.

But I’ve unearthed another layer today which I thought might be helpful to you creative lovelies out there…if a little on the dark side.

I’ve been revisiting the wonderful wisdom of Barbara Sher recently and her book ‘Refuse To Choose’. In it she outlines how some of us are ‘Scanners’ - curious, multitalented people who are passionately in love with learning.

I mean, Scanners sound AMAZING right?!

Except Scanners also carry the heavy weight of shame from growing up in a society that is obsessed with specialists or what I call the ‘Mastery Mentality’.

I am a Scanner and discovering that helped me to embrace my multi-passionate creativity, and my ‘Bee brain’ 🐝 (I think of it as my ‘Magpie brain’ too). The book is bloody brilliant. You should read it.

But back to my studio…

As a Scanner who is still learning how to best wield this specific power, my studio is like the external representation of this process.

It is full of second-hand books on every craft form EVER. Plus books on marine biology, the history of science, everything natural history related, how to write fiction and poetry, intersectional feminism, how to run a business, psychology, creative theory, children’s development, astrology, astronomy, geology, children’s books and folk tales.

In terms of materials it holds paint of all kinds, drawing materials, lino, screen and dry point equipment, model making materials, a photographic enlarger from my teenage years, textile tools and materials (many inherited from my grandmothers) sewing machines (also inherited, most not working) and my fabric stash. And an ENTIRE cupboard of sketchbooks with one page used.

Plus boxes of old art projects, sketchbooks, a collection of salvaged suitcases, my grandmothers spoon collection…my partner even found it hilarious I own this incredibly specific book which he thinks is a meta representation of my personality:

The Shire Albums are super good btw…

Right now I have a celestial cape I made for a 1920s themed hoop show hanging up as it waits for a new role, and three not-yet-properly-started dollhouses waiting for renovations. I could go on, but you get the point I’m sure…

Note the attractive Bag For Life circa 2006: it’s an antique.

I feel so lucky to have a space to store all these things. To have been able to explore my passions. To have had the money I needed to buy these materials (though to be fair I often probably couldn’t afford them but I did it anyway! There were consequences :/ ).

So when I try to organise the chaos as well as shame about all those things, I find something else.

Fear of my own mortality.

(I warned you it gets dark pretty quickly…)

What if I don’t ever get the free time to explore these things?

What if I never get to use all these materials up, or work with all these tools properly?

What if I never ever get my shit together and make all those ideas and my loved ones get left with this room of all my unrealised dreams?

There has been loss in my family in the last year, so I’m sure that’s played a part.

It reminds me of when my grandparents died when I was a teenager and I processed this by creating a little museum of the ephemeral and the detritus of their everyday life. I also made a dolls house box room of their living room and I still think it’s one of the best things I ever made. I’d love to show you it - but there photos are ironically lost somewhere in the mess.

But the truth is I’ve always been scared of this.

Because I will never ever have the time to make all my ideas. I have more ideas then are compatible with the realities of space and time (as we know them on this planet right now, I live in hope 😉).

As Barbara Sher points out, this is common fear for Scanners. They deeply fear running out of time, unused potential, or leaving nothing ‘of real meaning’ behind them. But as she also says that with trust in ourselves and our Scanner brains this will fade:

‘Once your panic subsides and you begin working on each of your interests, one after another, you’ll let go of the dread that life will pass you by. You’ll understand that today, tomorrow, and next year you’re going to use every bit of talent, curiosity, and intelligence that’s inside you. And where will you go? When you’re involved in doing what you love, the path will always show itself.’

(Refuse To Choose, Barbara Sher, Rodale)

Barbara Sher also passed away in 2020, so I want to acknowledge this and thank her for all her work that changed lives.

She is a wonderful example of a Scanner who lived a rich life filled with curiosity and discovery.

But back to my studio…

So having impressively distracted myself with this, I think I’m ready to tidy…for a little while. Because on that journey I’ll find a book or a material and I’ll get sidelined by a new idea.

And that’s ok.

Because what is it this space actually here for if not to create ideas in?

Who cares if it’s a bit messy.

My mind is a bit messy and magical things happen in there - that’s what it’s for ✨

So a question I invite you to think about is:

What do you think your mind is meant to do?

What if you gave yourself permission to do that, a tiny bit, today or one day soon?

What might it look like if you did that again and again throughout your lifetime?

I know we all have different lives, and for some of us time is the most valuable of resources. But sometimes we have a message or a story that didn’t come from us, and it holds us back from being the amazing people we really are, and living the lives we deserve.

i.e. ‘Only when I am tidy do I deserve to explore new ideas’ becomes ‘I’ll pick up these plastic wallets so I don’t break my neck and I’ll clear my desk, so I can make some art’.

Annnnd on that note I’m going to tidy now.

Soon…

Ok, doing it now.

Bye lovelies!